There are still so many times that I walk to the phone to call you. I have caught myself thinking that I should ask you this or tell you that. Oh, how I wish....
I am so very thankful that you have found eternal peace though. My life has been in constant turmoil for months now and I would love some peace. There is so much hurt in this world. I sometimes ask myself how much more I can endure. I can't control what other people do to me but I can control what I do to others. I try so hard not to be hurtful and when I think that I may have hurt someone, it hurts me. You know that though. You always said that I was too sensitive. I don't think that I am too sensitive. I think that my friends and family are important to me and when they are hurting, I am hurting.
I wonder a lot of times why it's one sided though. It doesn't seem that any one cares if they have hurt me and many times they go out of their way to intentionally do so.
So much has happened in our family lately. I pray that you really can't see everything that is going on down here because it is such a mess. I've had to make some pretty serious decisions and those decisions have hurt me as much as the situation itself.
Everything is so hard without you here. We went down the river yesterday and I missed you SO much. Your name came up several times. There was a nut that jumped into the river from the top of a very tall tree. Forrest wanted to swing off the rope swing into the water from the same tree and I wouldn't allow him to. Trevor had to point out that you would have done it. Of course you would have! I'm sure that you would have been the first to point out that I was being a big ole' chicken too!
I've been having a hard time lately. It seems like anything that can go wrong, will.
I was out shopping today, trying to take my mind off of things. As I was walking toward my truck, I saw the vanity plate on the front with your favorite saying on it "Go Big or Go Home." I don't know what it was about seeing it that made me so sad. I guess I'm just feeling like I can't get out of this slump that I am in and I wonder if it will ever get better. I know that most people wouldn't know how truly sad I am because I put on a fake smile and just go on with life. The whole time I am doing that though, I'm screaming on the inside. How can I get past this? I need your help.
We got a new puppy that you would love. He reminds me so much of Spike. He's all black and he's such a lover. We named him Gator. Every time I look at him, I think about how much you would have loved him. Speaking of dogs, we saw Hershey on Saturday. Trevor was putting a new garage door on Tina's house so we went over to see Hershey. We took her a new squeaky toy. She really liked it. It was just added to her ever growing pile of toys. She's quite spoiled. I'm sure if you could see her, you would be pleased.
Well, Forrest just got home from school. I had better go spend some time with him. The boys only have one more week of school and then the insanity starts.
Thinking of you Jimmy and Stephanie / Rosemary Read >>
Thinking of you Jimmy and Stephanie / Rosemary
I know you are hurting Stephanie over the things going on in your life right now, just remember I care and I am always here for you. I love you my sweet friend. Rosemary xoxo
It's true that so much has changed since you left us on that day, almost 17 months ago. Our family has pretty much fallen apart and things in my personal life leave me feeling defeated. I know that things have to get better, but how?
I cling to my Faith because that is all that I have. I miss you so much. I feel so all alone when I know that I am not. I have a wonderful family and friends that truly care about me. I just feel so empty without you.
I know that you can see clearly, everything that is going on. I don't need to tell you but I feel like I need to tell you.
Dad and Mom are convinced that Mom is dying, even when the doctors say that she is not. I went to the appointment last Friday and the doctor spelled everything out right there. They see and hear what they want to and I am exhausted. Jimmy, they haven't been there for me for about five years now. It's not all about me but honestly, I have tried. I can't do it any more. It's all that I can do to put on a smile and walk through each day. My boys deserve a happy me and that is what I am giving them. I can't be happy when I am surrounded by people that thrive on drama. Please forgive me for walking away. I feel like I am letting you down and that is really all that bothers me.
Through all of the stuff that I have been dealing with, I have felt a bright spot. That bright spot is a little girl named Faith. (appropriate, huh?) We got a call about three weeks ago telling us that she would be coming to live with us. We were over the moon with joy. Well, on Monday I found out that the family that has her now, has until tomorrow to decide if they want to keep her. Jimmy, it is taking all that I have to keep it together. We've waited so long and I feel like the Earth is just crumbling beneath us. I have been praying constantly and I just hope that God can hear my prayers.
I was just beginning to feel like I would miss you forever but that I could finally think of you with a smile. It seems like it's always two steps forward and twenty steps back. When things are bad, I miss you. When things are wonderful, I miss you even more. I will get through this storm again. Please continue to walk with me. When I can feel you near, it makes it seem do-able.
I know that you are with me every second of the day but sometimes you feel so far away. I need you to actually be here right now. I need your strength.
We got news this morning that Mom actually is terminal and I'm not handling it very well. I want to be there for her but there is no way for me to actually know what is going on because the communication is unreliable. Dad goes crazy and pushes everyone away and there is no rationalizing with him. I have to say that my hesitation to be there is because I don't want to deal with him. He is in no position to take care of her. He is not mentally or emotionally capable but how do you take that away from someone? He wouldn't give it up if I tried and I don't want it to turn into a legal thing. I would never take away his control but I want to know what is going on. I just want to scream and cry. I feel so out of control.
Mom has another appointment tomorrow and I am going to go. I need to hear what is going on from the doctors. I feel lost because I really have no clear direction so I don't know what to do to help, if anything.
Jimmy, I know that you would love to have Mom with you and I honestly feel that she may be better off with you. I'm not sure that I am ready to lose her but I want the suffering to stop... all of it! Stay close to her. Stay close to all of us.
Stephanie, I just wanted to take time today to say thank you to all my dear friends who do so much for us and our angel. You are loved and appreciated more than you know. Rosemary xoxo
I have surrounded myself by pictures of you since you died. They are all over my office, in frames and tacked up. There are several snap shots that I have stumbled across in the 16 months since you've left us and every time I find one, it makes me smile. I out them all in the same place, safely in a photo box. Well, today I've stumbled across three different snapshots that are out of place. The first one was in the kitchen, Brent brought the second one to me and I just found the third one upside down under my desk. I JUST cleaned my office this morning and it wasn't there. I have been upset all day. Is this your way of letting me know that you will be right here with us tomorrow? I think I've got it! You can leave my pictures alone now, you brat!
Easter is so hard. You were such a big kid. You loved hiding the eggs and stealing candy along the way. The boys miss you and so do I.
So much has happened this week. I feel like we are so close to bringing a little girl home. We had the opportunity to adopt a 10 year old and I was so excited. She would have been here on Tuesday and this rollercoaster would stop. It all came crashing down last night when the agency quoted their fees... $24, 000! They are truly doing this child an injustice. It should be illegal. I can't go into the details here but I can tell you that her situation breaks my heart. On a lighter note, we are going to meet another 10 year old next Saturday. We are very excited to meet her and we hope that it works out for us to bring her home.
Trevor took Forrest and Chase to a ball game tonight so it's just me and the Brentster here. He's managed to convince Jesse to bring over a foot tall chocolate rabbit. I told him to go take a bath and then he could have a little bit before bed. I found him on the toilet, covered in chocolate. I had to laugh. From there, he got into the bathtub and before I knew it, we had a slight flood downstairs. I need lots of God's grace to deal with this one. He keeps me on my toes. I know that he keeps the angels busy too. I sure wish that you could be here to see how much trouble he gets into. You'd love it.
I need to go get some more done before Trevor gets home with the boys. I have been going all day and I am tired. My emotions are all over the place. Thank you for letting me know that you are here. I love you! Close
It will always be hard / Stephanie (sister)Read >>
It will always be hard / Stephanie (sister)
Jimmy,
I never want to get over you and I worry so much about forgetting the little things. I often wish that I could pack all of the memories away in a box and open them when I need comfort. At least if they were packed away, they would stay safe, right? As much as I want to remember, I want the pain to ease and the tears to stop. I assumed that with time, they would.
We had some friends over Sunday after church. Rob works for Trevor and I had never met him before. They weren't here for very long before Trevor sent him into my office to look at something. I walked in to see that he was looking at your pictures that are ALL over my office (and house!). He asked who you were and I told him that you're my brother. Brent spoke up and told him that you had died. It was then that he shared with me that he has also lost a brother. It's been almost 14 years and he still can't talk about it without tears. It made me realize that this is a pain that I will feel for the rest of my life. It's the price that we pay for loving.
On another note, we may have found our girl. Her situation breaks my heart and there is another family that is interested in her so it's not a definite match but she has our hearts. She has been rejected twice already and she just needs a family that will love her unconditionally. The saddest thing for me to grasp is that she has been seperated from her three younger siblings. I can't even think about that without crying. So, please watch over her. She needs a special, loving angel on her side.
Jimmy, I miss you so much. I just want to talk with you. I miss your advice and support. I need to feel you near today. I love you! ~Me Close
Tributes and Condolences
Add to favorites 
