Life has been busy. I think about you every single day and I miss you more than ever.
I've been spending a lot of time with Kristy. She's due to have her second baby any day now. I am truly excited for her and I love spending time with Nicholas. I'm proud of myself for not dwelling on the fact that the two of you could still be together, happily having your second child. She's a special friend. She's someone that gets it when I mention your name. Thank you so much for bringing her into my life. Watch over Nicholas and Baby Elena. Especially Nicholas. He's another Brent.
I have to go get the kids up for school. I just wanted to spend some time with you this morning.
There are still days that I walk around with an aching heart, just wondering why. I go back and forth and in and out of each stage of grief. I am angry some days but I have never been angry with God or the man that caused your acident. I have truly forgiven that man and I pray that he is not haunted by what happened to you. I don't know how it has been so easy to forgive him other than God has just given me the grace to do so.
Some days are just so hard. I think of you non-stop on some days. So much has changed since you died. I told you at one point that I would lose my mind if you ever died and I have. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Generalized Anxiety and Panic Disorder. Thankfully, the medication that I take helps a lot but I hate taking it. Looking back, I realize that I have always had anxiety and panic attacks but Trevor was kind enough to point out last night that I could manage before you died.
For the most part I really am okay but there are days that I just struggle to get through without bursting into tears. I just miss you and I would do anything to just hug you right now.
I'm just sorry that I didn't do more to try to save you. The accident was out of my control. I know that. I would have done anything to take your pain away though.. anything.
I love you and I miss you. I'm sorry for letting you down. I know that you know that I love you. Forgive me for not letting go. I just can't do that yet. I don't know that I ever will.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ........... / IRENE MOM TO ANGEL KAYLA XAVIER ^j^ (JUNE 25 ,2008 ) DEAR JAMES HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET ANGEL...STAY CLOSE TO YOUR LOVING FAMILY BECAUSE THIS DATES ARE VERRY HARD, NOT HAVING YOU WITH THEM.HUG THEM GENTLY AND THEY WILL KNOW ITS YOU...LOVE ALWAYS....irene mom to angel kayla xavier forever.Close
I don't come here as often as I used to. It's not because I've forgotten or that I don't care. It's almost the opposite. The shock has worn off and it's much more difficult to deny that you're gone. It's hard for me to come here. It's hard for me to drive past your house or even through our home town.
For the most part I do okay. The kids keep me busy and when I'm not busy when them I'm working. There are many times though that I just feel lost and alone and it's at those times that I realize that my World is just never going to be the same without you. I go on for Trevor and the kids and mostly beause I know that you would want me to. It's hard though.
The night that you had your accident my heart shattered into uncountable pieces. Since that time, I've been trying to pick those pieces up and put them back together. The problem is that I can't find anything that will hold the pieces. As soon as I think that it's almost mended, it starts falling apart again.
Forrest graduated from 8th grade yesterday. He'll be in highschool next year. He could really use his Uncle Jimmy to cheer him on when he starts wrestling. How will I ever get through that?
Chase graduated from 5th grade yesterday. He was always your little buddy. He misses you so much. He talks about you all of the time. I'm so glad that he has those memories.
Brent is absolutely fearless just like you were. I worry about him all of the time. I just hope that you're watching over him. I know that he doesn't remember much about you and that breaks my heart.
As I was driving yesterday, I had the strongest urge to pick up the phone and call you. I almost did and then I realized that you wouldn't answer. Someone else has that number now. I just needed to talk to you..... to know how you are.. to know where you've been... to tell you about the kids... to tell you about my truck... to tell you just how much I love you and need you....
We'll be remembering you again on your birthday. It's in 20 days. You would have been 27 years old. Such a baby. This will be our third year without you and it's not any easier. I see your friends and what they are doing in their lives. I am happy for them but I wish that you were here to do the same. I know that they think of you all of the time and have the same wishes.
I could go on and on about how much I miss you but I'm sure that you know that. I love you!
These past few weeks have been hard. I finally realized that my sadness is linked to your upcoming birthday. These things just sneak up on us and rip at our hearts.
I came here tonight to light a candle for you but I saw Chase's and I just couldn't light one above his. As his Mom, I want to take the pain away. It's something that I just can't do. I know that you will remember him. You're right here with us. Jimmy, visit him in his dreams and let him know that you'll never leave his side.
Happy Valentine's Day Jimmy, Steph, and family / Rosemary Read >>
Happy Valentine's Day Jimmy, Steph, and family / Rosemary
I hope it's still ok for me to stop in Stephanie. I've missed very much while I have been away and been very sick. I hope that you still think of me as a friend for I never stopped loving you or caring about you. I just couldn't talk about things the way I wanted to. I couldn't understand my illness and I didn't think anyone else would either. I am ready to open up to you when and if you still want to talk. Please know that Jimmy has always been in my heart and he always will be. I couldn't help but smile when I saw his handsome face. I miss you sweetie, I've missed you for too long. I hope you have too. Don't think for one minute that you were the only one who I seemed to have deserted, I've been so alone with my grief for so long and I want to figure out how to find my way back into the hearts of those whom I love and miss. You just have to give me a chance. Hugs and I hope I hear from you real soon. Hug your kids for me ok?
I'll always love you / Stephanie (Jimmy's sister )Read >>
I'll always love you / Stephanie (Jimmy's sister )
Jimmy,
Yesterday was our big day. I couldn't help thinking of you as we were going through the day. I know that you were with us. Your watch was doing crazy things, driving Trevor nuts. I wanted you to be there so badly and in the end, I know that you were. Forrest wore your favorite shirt and with that watch going nuts, I knew that it was you.
You finally have a niece and you're not here to spoil her. You would love her. She's so sassy but she'll give the boys a run for their money at the same time. I know that she would love you as much as the boys do.
Thank you for watching over us and for helping God choose just the right child. I'll love you for eternity!
2 years / Stephanie (4ever your Big Sister )Read >>
2 years / Stephanie (4ever your Big Sister )
Jimmy,
I can't tell you what I was doing two years ago before 5pm but I sure can't stop thinking about the minutes, hours and days following the call that I received to tell me that you were in an accident. I have replayed the details over and over in my mind throughout these last two years. Some days it seems like it was yesterday and other's it seems like an eternity. I can tell you that I would like to forget seeing you the way that I last saw you. I would prefer to remember the times that we laughed and picked at each other. At the same time, I can't allow myself to forget because that is still part of your life. I was there for the beginning and I was there at the end.
I was watching Hogan Knows Best with Trevor last night and I was laughing at Nick because he was torturing his sister. It so reminded me of you. I just laughed. It was good because so many times the suffering overshadows the joy. I can remember screaming into the phone when I called Trevor from the hospital. I just kept saying that I didn't know how to live without you. Well, here it is two years later and I'm still living. I don't know how but I have found a way to live without you physically being here. I'm not saying that I like it but it's something that has to be done. I'm not sad all of the time but there is always something missing even when I am rolling on the floor in laughter. To the outside world they may think that I am okay and by all accounts, I suppose I am. I'm still aching for you though.
I'm going to try my best not to mope around today and tomorrow. I know that is not what you would want. I will allow myself to feel sorry for myself this morning and then we will try to remember the happier times with you this weekend. Stay especially close to Chase. He struggles to understand all of this and he misses you so much.
Thanksgiving and missing you / Stephanie (Jimmy's sister )Read >>
Thanksgiving and missing you / Stephanie (Jimmy's sister )
Jimmy-
My heart has been aching, I mean, really aching for days now. I know that it's Thanksgiving that is causing it. It will be two whole years since I last spent quality time with you. I'll never forget that day. I remember every single second of the day. You brought pecan pie and Hawaiian rolls because those were your favorites. Ironically, those are also Trevor's favorites. You brought Katie and Hershey and you got out of your truck eating a pomegranate. I haven't been able to buy one of those since you died. You were wearing your new boots and you were so proud of them. I picked those boots up from the Sheriff's office after your accident. You ate so much food and passed out on my couch afterward. When you woke up, you took Forrest out in the canoe. I know that is a special memory of Forrest's. Before you left, you hugged each of the boys and grabbed Brent and kissed him all over. He was so little. I don't know if he will truly remember that but I keep talking about it in hopes that he will. I never want him to forget you.
This pain is almost unbearable at times. I finally broke down and got some medication. It helps but nothing will ever take away the pain. It just helps me to cope.
I changed the song on your site for just a little while. I heard it just after you died and I felt like you were speaking to me.
I'll love you forever and ever and ever. Steph Close
There are still times that my mind likes to play tricks on my heart. It would be so easy to just pretend that you moved away. It makes it easier on my heart if I can be in denial but then reality strikes and breaks my heart all over again.
Ashley has a new therapist. Her first session was Friday. It was good in the sense that I was able to get feedback for the first time. She really misses her brother. I know that feeling all too well. The difference is that she can still see her brother and I can't. I told her therapist that I can understand those deep feelings of loss and that because I lost you, I want her to have a close relationship with her brother. It took all that I could do not to break down right there in her office. I can fix the feelings that she has by making sure that she sees her brother. I sure wish that someone could or would do the same for me.
Jimmy, saying that I miss you doesn't even begin to describe the feelings that I have. I long to see you, hear you, and touch you. I wish that I had a time machine. If I did, I would travel back in time to see you again. All I can do now is wait.
As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I know that if you were here you'd make some joke to make me laugh. I try to recall your humor when I'm missing you like that but it doesn't make me laugh, it only makes me cry more. I've promised you that I would honor you and live for you so I can't wallow in this grief. I just miss you so much!
I hope that you know that you made me proud to be your big sister.
I think that it's the time of year. The weather is starting to change. All of the holiday decorations are out and it all reminds me of your final days. I can't believe that it's been almost 2 years since I saw your smile and felt your hug. I'll never forget the way that you left here on Thanksgiving. You spent hours canoeing with Forrest, you wrestled with Chase and just before you got into your truck, you grabbed Brent up and loved him all up. They all remember that and what bittersweet memories they are. You have no idea how I would love to see it all just one more time... hear your voice, see your smile, feel your touch, smell your "smell." For the longest time, I was able to smell you on one of your favorite shirts. That smell is gone now. Now I just look at it and I've even contemplated giving it to Forrest. I just can't do that yet.
Well, I've gotta go out to the grocery store. I know that you are always with me but I need some extra strength. Will you ask God to send me a little, please?
I know that you know the magnitude of how awesome our God really is. I know that you are probably so struck by His love and greatness that you haven't had a second thought about this earthly life that we live. I honestly can't wait for the day that I can worship at His feet with you by my side.
For the first time in weeks, I had an awesome day today. Of course I still missed you but that is as much a part of my everyday life as breathing. I will always miss you- always!
We got our court date today. Miss Ashley Faith will officially be our's on 12/19/07. It seems so far away but I know it's not. When they said that we could invite anyone and everyone that we want to be there, I immediately thought of you. I know that you are with us all of the time and that you made this happen so you will be there but I wish that I could see you standing there. I also know that this is God's way of making December good again. I can't say that it will make it easier to get through those horrible dates but it sure will give us something to look forward to.
Losing you has brought me so much closer to God. My faith has always been pretty strong and when we lost Destiny, I knew that I needed to lean on God but I was mad. When we lost you, I was so utterly lost and devastated that I had no other choice. I had to allow Him to carry me. The peace that I felt truly was the peace that passes all understanding and at that moment I knew that I had to follow Him. That's the only way to get to the ones that I love. Following God has led me to so many blessings and I still feel that peace. Unfortunately, it doesn't take all of the pain but the hope that it brings is undeniable.
I hate to wish time away because I know how precious life is and how devastated my family will be when I am gone but I miss you! I just pray that I am able to accomplish everything that God has in His plans for me and that He returns soon so that my entire family can be together again. I just want to be ready. Will you help me?
I will never forget the day that you were placed into my arms for the first time and I will never forget the day that you left mine to go to His. I'll always, always love you....
I know that you would hate to see me crying over you. You always hated to see me upset. Yesterday was just one of those days where I couldn't stop crying for you. Thankfully, I don't have those days very often any more but when I do, they are bad.
The strangest thing started it all. I was walking out of the school and I could have sworn that you were standing just across the parking lot. The guy looked just like you. I had to stop myself from sprinting over and grabbing the guy. At the time I didn't know why the situation was so distrubing to me but later on, I remembered a dream that I had just after you died. I felt like I was living that dream. It was the strangest thing. I would have given almost anything for that guy to have been you. I can almost feel my heart break over and over again when these things happen.
I know that you know that I love you and I always will. I am so glad that you will never have to feel this soul shattering loss. I pray that one day, the pain will subside and I will find only joy for you. I just miss you so much. I want this pain in my heart to go away.
There are times that I still find it hard to believe that you are gone. I know that you are always with me but I need you to be here physically. I look at my life and realize that I have everything that I have ever wanted-- except you!
We finally got our little girl! Miss Ashley Faith moved in last week. Boy, has she ever kept me busy. I know that you had a hand in sending her here to be with us so you must be laughing your butt off at all of the trials. She's definitely a good match for our family. I think that she's met her match. We have gone round and round but we love her so much.
The boys are doing so well. They miss you too. I think that they are loving this sister thing. I overheard Forrest on the phone the other day. He was telling his friend that she is okay when she's sleeping. She gets along really well with Brentster but she butts heads a lot with Chase. They argued so much last night that Trevor made them hold hands for 15 minutes. I sure wish that you could be here to meet her in person. She really missed out in that department. She would have loved you.
I’m gonna hit Heavens gates running When my time on earth is through I’ll run past Jesus outstretched arms So I can get to you
I’ll hold you in my arms again And never let you go My heart broke when you left this earth In heaven it’ll be made whole
I lie awake in bed at night Wondering what it’s like In heaven with your angel friends And Jesus by your side
Do you miss the ones you love Who mourn your loss each day Who look for answers and reasons why You had to go away
I envy those who’ve gone before And those who will proceed To Heavens holy gates before I from this earth will leave
That’s why I’ll hit Heavens gates running When my time on earth is through Because I know that once I leave this earth I’ll get to be with you
There are days that I just feel lost, like something is missing from my life and I realize that it's you. I try so hard not to dwell on the fact that you are gone because you will never be gone from my life. I just miss your physical presence.
The thing that hurts the most is watching the boys miss you. Chase was so upset Saturday night after seeing a motorcycle accident. I saw it too and I just tried to focus on something else- anything else. When we got down the road a little, I heard sobs from the back seat and I looked back to see that it was Chase. He said that his head was hurting but I knew instantly that it was really his heart. Just thinking about it now brings me to tears. I wish that I could spare him this grief. It's a Mama's job to make their babies' booboo's all better and I just can't fix this one. So, he came home and wrote to you and we cried together. I talked with him and told him that you would really want us to be happy and that we should picture you smiling down on us. He seems to be better today but he was still struggling yesterday. Please be close to him. He seems to be the one struggling the most. Forrest got to see you and say good-bye and Brent is too young to understand. I'll always kick myself for not allowing Chase to see you when you were in ICU. If only I could go back...
I miss you uncle jimmy. You will always be number two in my life uncle jimmy! I have seen at least 2 or 3 motorcycle accidents and they remind me you, and they sometimes make me cry. I know I will see you again someday and I hope that day will be soon. I will miss you for the rest of my life. :[
Tributes and Condolences
DEAR JAMES HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET ANGEL...STAY CLOSE TO YOUR LOVING FAMILY BECAUSE THIS DATES ARE VERRY HARD, NOT HAVING YOU WITH THEM.HUG THEM GENTLY AND THEY WILL KNOW ITS YOU...LOVE ALWAYS....irene mom to angel kayla xavier forever. 
I know I will see you again someday and I hope that day will be soon. I will miss you for the rest of my life. :[ 
